Tuesday, August 22, 2006

The Paradox of A Successful Relationship

One of the weird (or counter-intuitive) things about having a successful and lasting relatioship is surprsingly not in controlling or changing the other person you're involved with, but to make sure that YOU are ready for the fit. It's what I call the paradox of a successful relationhsip because it goes against what one would think is necessary in making a realtionship work. For example- if I ask you what you think is necessary to improve your current relationihsp you might say "well my boyfriend/girlfriend or wife/husband needs to change this or he/she needs to quit doing this and start doing this - fair enough. But there is one little devil that affects all your relationships- both romantic and interpersonal - in a direct and very significant way. Self- esteem. The way you view yourself and what you think of yourself. To be even more direct - the very reason you want(ed) to be that relationship that you would kill for and believed you could not live without, will become the problem in the relationhsip. If you don't feel good about yourself, that you are not good-looking enough or you want somemone to constantly make you feel special or beautiful that very desire and expectation will become the problem- because you are expecting your partner to meet a need in you that only you can meet. Another example, in a recent Psycholgy Today article which you can see here http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20030711- 000002.html adds "In the journal Personal Relationships, Sandra Murray, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of New York at Buffalo, warns that overly sensitive and insecure partners may "read nonexistent meaning into their partners' ambiguous cues, thus leading their relationships to the outcome they wish to avoid." While misreading cues may seem to be a greater danger in nascent relationships, researchers have found that even after ten years of marriage, people with low self-esteem believe their partners love them far less than they actually do."

Makes you think huh ? So while you think the problem is out there, it's actually in here (within yourself) . . . . I'll write more on this later. Be sure to let me know what you think.


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"I need no warrant for being, and no word of sanction upon my being. I am the warrant and the sanction." — Ayn Rand, Anthem "The satisfied soul loathes the honeycomb" - Solomon